I'm Limited

    For weeks now, I have had that song from the Broadway play, Wicked, in my head.  The song begins with the main character singing, “I’m limited.” That line makes me feel emotional when I hear it.  I feel limited these days, and let’s just say I’m not hooked on that feeling!  I hate feeling like I can’t accomplish what I want to do.  When I make a mistake or I have to let go of something I wanted to do but don’t have the energy for, I find it difficult to live with.  Maybe better said, I find it difficult to live with how that makes me feel.
    How that makes me feel. And how exactly does that make me feel?    Disappointed with myself? Embarrassed?  Maybe at first, but that’s not what it boils down to for me.  Turns out, it scares me.
     Scares me?
    Well, yes. What will I do if I can’t do what I want to do right now? My mind begins racing down roads to nowhere or worse.  I wonder if this experience of limit will only lead to more of the same.  My Inner Critic helpfully offers some harsh self judgment words like lazy or failure.  Maybe I don’t get to live the life I am supposed to live.  It gets pretty ugly in there.
    Of course, my first response often involves shutting down emotionally.  The problem with that of course is that shutting down leads to stagnation and a failure to recognize rising energy when it comes. And it does come.  If I am closed down, I miss the opportunity for movement in a new direction – new ideas, new inspirations . . .
    Limited.
    Aren’t we all?
    It occurs to me that this conversation is about living within my emotional and physical means, and said that way, it sounds like a good thing.  Healthy boundaries are good, at least when we are talking about other people.  For ourselves, we’re supposed to refuse to be limited by the idea of our own limitations. And we wonder why the federal budget is such a mess.
    How can I live with my own physical and emotional limitations without unnecessarily limiting myself?  I struggle with this.  I know that the answer includes staying connected and present as I walk through the days.  When I notice myself struggling or shutdown, connecting with another person often helps me.  Sometimes, I can regain a sense of connection through journaling or prayer, but when I feel really bad, connecting with another person seems to work best.
    I confess that I wish that I didn’t have this struggle.  I wish I could simply do what I want when I want to, but the thing is:
    I’m limited.