The State We're In

    I can hardly bear to think about the fight about money going on in national politics right now.  Not much point.  I know which team I usually root for.  I think both sides have a point to some extent on this one.  Nothing I do will affect the fight, and the fight may very much affect my life.  Honestly, I try not to think about it.  
    That’s actually what I have been thinking about.  In my line of work, when someone is systematically ignoring something that has affected  or will affect their lives catastrophically we call it denial.  And anyone who’s ever tried it knows or at least has felt the affects of maintaining a state of denial.  It takes a lot of work.  We have to numb ourselves to our feelings about the subject – whenever they come up. And they come up.  Some of the ways we numb ourselves is with drugs, alcohol, gambling, compulsive sex, overeating, over spending.  Gosh, we don’t have epidemic levels of any of those behaviors in our country . . .
    Then of course, the thing about being numb is that we don’t just numb ourselves to the bad thing.  Numb is numb.  We lose our capacity to experience the good stuff too.  So fun doesn’t feel like as much fun as it used to, and we need to go to more and more extreme lengths just to feel the thrill of being alive. Our patience and our attention span grows ever shorter as we seek distraction from the worries and burdens we are trying to avoid.  Many of us feel disheartened and discouraged and quick to anger.  We want to care about things, but what’s the point?
    I think a numb electorate works for the powers that be.  The doings are so exaggerated that we can barely stand to listen.  Other than tweeting “Go Red!” or “Go Blue” when they tell us too, there is nothing that we can do.  It’s all too ridiculous and too scary to really think about. So we try not to think about it.  We don’t require subtlety from our representatives.  There is little patience for listening to reasoning and comments longer than a sound byte.  Who needs government?  We’ll just all sound tough on Twitter.
    I have been asking myself what can I do? All I can think of right now is to try to cultivate in myself the kind of open-mindedness I wish existed more in Congress right now.  That means I am trying to listen to points of view I disagree with.  I let myself feel whatever feelings go with tuning in, and I try to stay open.  I am practicing (or trying to practice!) tolerance.  Ghandi said we should be the change we wish to see in the World.  Maybe that’s where we start.

The Tenor of the Days

    As the Mama of a soon to be five year old, you hear yourself talking, ahem, a lot.  Often, I have the feeling that I am the only one who hears me when I talk, but that is a side issue.  I spend a great deal of time directing my daughter.  What I mean by that is telling her what to do, what not to do, and in some sense, how to be.  The other day we were having an extended . . . we will call it a conversation . . . about picking up and putting away.  At some point she asked me if I liked her. 
    Hello.
    As a matter of fact, I do like her.  I told her this.  We talked about how it feels to pick up and put away our toys. (We both don’t love it.)  Everybody loves everybody.  Next topic.  It got me to thinking though.  If I am involved in a day in and day out conversation with my daughter about how to be, is what I most want her to know being communicated?
    I’m not talking about saying, “I love you” twenty five times a day.   Nothing wrong with saying the words, but I think our deepest sense of being loved and being worthy of it comes to us more subtly and much more powerfully than that.  Earlier this year, I heard Toni Morrison speaking about raising her children.  She said that whenever her child entered the room and she looked at him, she wanted her fundamental love and acceptance of him to be present in her eyes.  Think about that.
    For me, it means remaining connected to my deepest regard for my daughter even as we disagree, experience frustration or whatever else.  What a thing.  I’ve been trying it here lately – not always easy.  It ends up being a mindfulness practice.  I hear myself speaking, call to mind my intention to stay connected, and my energy changes.  I think my tone changes.  I am hoping this speaks to the deepest part of her.
        The most interesting part of this practice is how I feel when I am doing it. I feel happier when I am presencing my regard for my child.  In truth, I feel more connected to the Divine.  The Divine in me connects to the Divine in you.  And please use your inside voice when we’re in the library.

Starting Where I Am

Finally and at last!  I walked outside this afternoon to a warm breezy day and took what felt like the first deep breath in a week.  The oven we’ve been living in has transformed into a regular warm Maryland Summer day. (That’s around 90 degrees for you out of towners.)  As I walked into the backyard looking for a little renegade beagle, I felt the receptivity of the trees and greenery all around.  As I breathed in and out, I felt the tension leaving my body and somehow being absorbed and transformed by the life all around me.  During these last hot days, it's been as if the hot air pushes back against me when I walk outside -- much harder for me to connect to the calming effect I so enjoy.

The energy of Summer is such a pleasure.  I love the peaches and the tomatoes and swimming in the pool.  I also think that the bright golden pop of the Black Eyed Susans deserves special mention here.  I love the emphasis on connection that goes with the energy of Summer.  It's not always easy though, all that heat and human relationships can surface the places where we feel wounded and blocked.  (Does anyone really want to think for too long about those family vacation fights?) Personal growth can feel stagnated in the heat of these days, and yet today, I am reminded that movement will come if I am open to it.  It's starting to rain. I can hear the wind in the trees.  It feels like an exhale.

It seems like a good day to begin this dialog with you.  As I write, I hold the intention to share what I learn as I go through the days, and I would like to hear your thoughts, additions, and reactions if you wish.  I am not interested in negativity or bashing, so if it comes up, write it somewhere else -- or walk outside and breathe.  Blessed be.