Goodnight Nurse

    I have been remembering old hurts.  Feels like part of the season.  Sorting through, deciding what to keep, what to throw away.  Driving down the road the other night, I found myself thinking about an old hurt.  Thinking about it.  To give words to the experience, “Oh yeah. I forgot about that place – a bit tender there.” 
    I realize that this particular hurt goes with a particular time of year – an anniversary if you will.  I do not like using that term though.  This hurt is not that awful.  It’s over and done with.  Everybody loves everybody, mostly.  Best not to think about it anymore. Walk down a new road, which I thought I had. And then . . . 
    I have been thinking about the difference between self compassion and nursing old grudges.  Here is what I have been doing.  When the thought of the old hurt comes up, I consciously think,”Yes, that was hard on you.” I automatically exhale, and I think my face softens in the way it does when I am compassionate toward someone else.  I can feel the compassion come over me.  A gentleness flows down from around my eyes, and my shoulders soften.  I probably take a few deep breaths, which down here is its own reward because the sweet, sweet smell of the South County grass always makes my heart smile.  Anyway, I feel better, softer on myself.
    Notice, I haven’t mentioned anything about the nature of the hurt, or who did what to whom.  That’s the surprising thing about all of this, and why I wanted to write about it.  It’s really not at all about the other person, or who did what to whom.  Intellectually, I have already made my peace with what happened.  I believe I understand everyone’s reasons for their behavior, and I feel validated in my feelings about it at the time and now.  So, it’s time to let it go. Move beyond it.
    Just do it.
    As soon as the sports talk starts, I know we have left my path.  Just do it is easier said than done, and in my experience, when it comes to feelings, just do it means just deny your feelings.  I don’t want to wallow, but I believe in my ability to transform a stuck place in me if I am willing to let the process unfold fully.
    I think I am describing a latter stage of letting go. Owning the hurts and offering compassion without judgment is what this is about – the business of tending to the emotional residue of life.  I know I am transformed by my experiences, and at this moment, it is possible for me to believe that the difficult ones can bring their own gifts if I don’t get scared and shut down along the way.
    Blessed be.